PPC Search Queries: If the Best of the Worst Were Real Display Ads

Whilst only Google themselves know the full range of horrors contained within the 3.5 billion queries it processes daily, in the marvellous world of PPC account management we get an insight into what people were, and are, searching for. And it seems some of you have been searching for some very odd things indeed…

One of the main jobs as a PPC Account Manager is to make sure that client ads aren’t shown to people who have no interest in the product or service on offer – if they click on the ad, that costs the client money and no one wants a grumpy client! With that, being able to find out what people are actually searching for via Search Query Reports, proves invaluable when delivering cost-effective paid advertising.

Trawling through endless Search Query Reports can be a long and tedious process. The vast majority of people looking for a loft conversion, for example, will enter the words ‘loft’ and ‘conversion’, makes sense, right? But Google estimates that 15% of all search queries have never been searched before… This is where the fun starts.

It’s only when we start to sift through this long tail that an occasional gem is unearthed.

Some search queries we’ve found are simply misspellings; Buy pariah council notice board’, or reasonable questions which could be phrased a little better; ‘Ways to fight abducted children’ and ‘Where can I get all egg whites in UK?’

Some give an insight into the humble British mind: ‘Do I have to attend a voluntary police interview? or ‘Gift ideas for kids who like DVDs and books’.

While others defy all reasonable explanation: ‘Cross hands economic toad’ or ‘animal cutting machine video’.

Or like the person who Googled ‘grass seed in my eye’, then – on seeing an advertisement for grass seed – chose to click on it… and then bought some grass seed!

It takes all sorts.

Here at Boom, we’ve been collecting up some of the strangest search queries we’ve come across and then created some hypothetical display ads to go with these obscure searches.

However inexplicable they may be, we hope you enjoy our list of marvellous discoveries. And PPC account managers, let this be a warning; no matter how tiresome it becomes, don’t forget to keep checking those Search Query Reports. Not only will doing so save your client money, but just once in a while, you may come across something rather spectacular.

Search Query: Delivery Night Meat

Ever had overwhelming meat cravings after dark, but soon discovered the fridge is empty? Well, fear not! All your deepest, darkest meat related fantasies are about to come true with night time steak outs delivered direct to your door. Order before midnight for exclusive discounts!

Search Query: Price of Bacon per Kilometre

Whether it’s a foot long or you’re going full Lady Gaga meat dress, buying bacon by the length has never been so easy. Honey-cured, Pancetta or perhaps you’re feeling a bit streaky – they’ve got it all, so give Bacon-and-On a call today for a personalised quote!

Search Query: Stag Weekend for One Person

Not feeling the crowds but still want to party like it’s 1999? If you’re flying solo, enjoy some “me time” with Lone Stag. Offering tailored party packages to suit all budgets – it’s the perfect choice for any billy-no-mates that’s about to marry their best friend!

Search Query: Welding Machine for Hair

You’ve heard the old expression; hair today, gone tomorrow. Well now you don’t need to worry! Wellda have come up with the perfect solution to ensure hair stays put! Don’t let thinning hair ruin your day – get the flux look with the latest hair welding technology and let the pyromaniac in you shine!

Search Query: Restraint Vouchers

If you’re buying presents and you’re at a loose end but you want to start tying things up, swaddle your loved one with the perfect gift voucher from Harness Direct. Strap in, buckle down and let them enjoy hours of unbridled fun. They’ll be so captivated, they’ll never be able/want to leave!

Search Query: Armless Armchairs UK

You’ve seen the rest, now it’s time to check out the best armless armchairs the UK has ever seen. Legchairs™ are a revolutionary product, giving your arms complete autonomy when in the seated position. Not only that, they offer superior armchair style comfort without the costly price tag… or arms! Check them out today!

Search Query: Hat Crime Solicitors

If you’ve recently been the victim of a hat related crime or accident that wasn’t your fault, then don’t lose your head – Trilby, Fedora and Flatcap Solicitors are here to help. They’re no run-of-the-milliner legal team; working on a no win no fee basis, you’ll have your hat back in no time!

Search Query: First Aid Kits for Fish

Is your buddy feeling a little scaly recently? Want to make sure you’re suitably prepared should they encounter a torn mussel? Well, Call-a-Sturgeon™ Fish First Aid could be the answer to your prayers. Voted number one in the market, you’ll be cray-cray to miss out, so drop them a line today!  

Chris Dennis About the author

I’m Boom’s resident Excel geek / data analyst, never happier than when up to my knees in numbers, looking for ways to stretch a client’s AdWords account to obtain better returns. Over the last few years I’ve worked on a range of accounts, developing a broad knowledge of PPC campaign management, including Search, Shopping and Display advertising.

Learn more about Chris Dennis

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